July 4, 2009, at 2:43 pm
While today might be a day for glorious celebration in the great nation, I have two short observations that aren’t quite long enough for a full column, but need to be said…
1. I hope Andy Roddick loses in tomorrow’s Wimbledon final- I’m not a tennis guy. When I tell people that, they are always shocked. “But you like golf! Don’t golf and tennis invariably go together?!?” My reply- no. I find golf fascinating to watch. Watching Tennis is dull as dirt. Despite this, I have noticed something in the last two weeks. Andy Roddick is the most unlikable athlete in the sport. Watching his press conferences, I am amazed at how anyone could like this guy. He looks like he wants to kill everyone in the room…and this is after wins! The guy is the definition of a sad sack. I don’t care that he’s American. I hope Federrer whoops him tomorrow. That being said, I could think of about 1000 things I’d rather do then watch the match.
2. The Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest is the worst “sporting event” on television- Of course, I use the term “sporting event” loosely. I don’t know what else to call it…. I don’t care what anyone says. Joey Chesnut is not an American hero. He’s a guy with no useful skill set who has chosen to beat the bejesus out of his digestive system for a living. Eating contests, in general, disgust me. I don’t understand what kind of valor can be gained by downing an unreal amount of hot dogs in a short period of time.
What is sadder then people who compete in eating contests? People who watch and are impressed by these guys. ” Look at him eat, what a guy!”…It has nothing to do with the food of choice, either. Hot dogs are a personal favorite of mine. But seeing people jam hot dogs down their gullets make me question my love for them.
The competitors are not exactly graceful looking either. By the end of the event, the combo of 35 luke warm dogs in a ten minute period and the water they use to wash down begin to seep out of the mouth like a dog with rabies. Then come the inevitable regurgitation. Surprise! The human body is not equipped to handle ten pounds of beef and pork in under a half hour. My favorite part of this is that their are actually provisions in the rules to deal with “refunding” The dogs that come up don’t count. So not only do you have to down ‘em, you have to keep ‘em down. Since when is fooling the digestive tract an accomplishment? Not surprisingly, that digestive tract almost always wins. Call me unamerican, but I don’t see the appeal of spiting up on yourself on ESPN. Hey, any publicity is good publicity, I guess.
I really feel bad for the competitors families. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be sensitive. But don’t tell me that’s not embarrassing. I can imagine a few conversations go like this.
Friend: Jill!, good to see you here in Brooklyn…Hey, wheres your husband?
Jill: Uh, see the guy keeled over at the table?
Friend: Oh.
Jill: Yep, that’s him….Hey, do you have any pepto? and is your brother still single?
I knew a girl is high school who was a vegan. She would always tell me why. I never understood.
Today I do.
Happy Fourth!
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MR LAUTERBAC,
Reply to terrance deliOBVIOUSLY YOU ARE A YOUNG WRITER, WIMBLEDON IS RICH IN HISTORY, JUST LIKE THE WORLD SERIES, THE SUPERBOWL, THE MASTERS, THE US OPEN (TENNIS & GOLF) & THE KENTUCKY DERBY. ALL HAVE BEEN GOING ON FOR SOME TIME WITH NEW STORY LINES WRITTEN EACH YEAR. HEY YOU DONT HAVE TO LIKE A CERTAIN SPORT BUT SOMETIMES JUST TO WATCH HISTORY BEING MADE IS A GREAT THING THAT YOU PUT INTO YOUR MEMORY BANK AND PASS DOWN TO ANOTHER LAUTERBACH GENERATION ” I REMEMBER WHEN etc.” TAKE A LOOK AT THE OLYMPICS, I REMEMBER WHEN THE U.S. HOCKEY TEAM “MIRACLE ON ICE” RING A BELL TO YOU? WAS GOING ON AND MYSELF AND MY FAMILY WATCHED WITH PRIDE AND HONOR AT WHAT THOSE YOUNG BOY’S WERE ABOUT TO ACCOMPLISH. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY LIKED HOCKEY STILL TO THIS DAY I DONT WATCH HOCKEY BUT AT THAT TIME THOSE OLYMPICS HAD A FEELING GOING ON IN THE UNITED STATES THAT WAS A MEMORABLE AS THE DAY OF MY CHILDS BIRTH ( NOT THAT IT’S MORE IMPORTANT) WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I DIDNT WATCH BECAUSE I WASN’T A HOCKEY FAN. YES AND SOMETIMES IT’S NICE TO HAVE A LITTLE PRIDE AND ROOT FOR YOUR COUNTRYMEN IN A SPORT THAT YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE. DID YOU NOTICE THAT HISTORY WAS MADE AT WIMBLEDON TODAY!!!! AREN’T YOU A SPORTS FAN !!!! OOOOOHHH I GET IT YOU MUST BE A METS AND JETS FAN – 2 TEAMS THAT HAVE ZERO TRADITION AND HISTORY LIKE THE YANKEES AND GIANTS DO. THAT MUST BE THE TICKET !!! SORRY FOR RANTING BUT I COULD GO ON FOREVER, LIVE AND LEARN DONT LET HISTORY PASS YOU BY AND BY THE WAY I LOVE HOT DOGS (jose reyes ring a bell )
You know what’s fun? WRITING IN ALL CAPS.
Reply to Anthony De Franco